I have been absent for a while. It's what happens when kids are in school and life get busy. I was in charge of a craft show at the school, which turned out to be a smashing success. My step dad had his knee replaced. Work has been busy, and designing and knitting were the casualties, as they usually are.
While I was busy doing all of this I let something else slide. My coffee dates with my grandma. I still was doing them, but not every week like I usually would. She has been understanding. She had kids of her own (obviously) and knows how life can be. Two weeks ago we found out grandma was sick. I'm not talking about a cold or some aches and pains. Grandma has terminal cancer, AND she hid this fact from us for close to 9 years. Obviously when she found the lump it wasn't terminal. But, she knew that she wasn't interested in seeking treatment. That decision was hard to hear. It's very easy to second guess. Wondering if she could have been better had she made a different choice makes me break down in tears. But when it comes down to it, it's not up to me, or her children, or even her husband. It was up to her, and I respect it, even if it is so very hard to understand. Our relationship has not always been wonderful. When I was young I didn't love visiting. I sometimes felt like an inconvenience. I got older, and let the connection slide. After grandpa passed there was a falling out. Many years went by before we spoke again. I grew and changed, and she did too. She met a new man that brought out a different side of her. I matured and went through some things of my own. Over many years we reconnected, and it turned into the relationship I had always craved. It got to the point where couldn't wait for that cup of coffee and the conversations we would have. We would sit in her living room, soaking up the sunshine and talking about everything. She didn't judge when I would be a bit rude or petty about something. If I was sad she listened. In turn I listened to the pieces that she chose to share. There will be no one but me that remembers the book that caused us to call each other gramma gramma and baby baby. I won't ever be referred to as granddaughter #1 again. Just because of birth order, not favoritism. We have been growing avocado trees together. We talked about making guacamole when it finally had fruit so we could share it with everyone. There are so many things that were just between us that I have to hold on to now. The woman saw my designing as a gift from God. Every time I had a new design I would text her or bring it on our coffee date to share. She loved everything I made. She loved my passion for politics and designing and God. She encouraged me as a mother and wife. We pray for a miracle, because we know that Jesus can do anything, but we also know that miracles are rare. The doctor gave her a couple of weeks. I don't think it will be much longer. Yesterday was her birthday. She turned 78. My little family went over, made cards, and sang to her. She is tired and in pain, and as much as I want my grandma to stay, I know she is going to go, probably soon. She has always been strong, not really letting anyone help. I hope she doesn't feel like she has to be strong through this. In addition to the fact that we were totally blindsided it has also been difficult because of the holidays. I have chosen to give myself grace. I am keeping up the cheer for my family, but if gifts aren't completed or something falls through the cracks, I am not worrying. Holidays are hard enough when you are whole. If you are struggling, please give yourself grace. Family is hard too. Remember there may be things happening that you know nothing about. I spent so much time with grandma and I never even suspected. But, luckily I come from a long line of smart women. My mother told me that you will never regret spending time with someone. It will be sad and you will miss them, but you will always have the time together. I can't even tell you how badly I want to sit and have another cup of coffee with her, but I don't regret all the ones we shared.
8 Comments
Bryan
12/21/2019 02:04:12 am
You are inspiration to me. Through friends I found your designs and beautiful works online. You and your Grandmother will be in my prayers these days. Merry Christmas and thank you for standing strong in adversity always! God Bless You
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Alexis
12/21/2019 06:45:10 am
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this! My husbands mother did basically the same thing years ago...she told no one, not even her husband, until it was too late. My grandpa, my Papa, my favorite person in the world, passed last Monday. I flew in Sunday and arrived very late...he was sleeping. I was able to kiss him, rub his arm, and kiss him again. What turned out to be the last kisses he got while alive. He passed the next morning before we arrived. Losing a loved one is...so freaking hard. I just keep telling myself that he’s no longer in pain...that he wouldn’t want me to wallow and be sad. It only helps a little, lol, but it help. *hugs*
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Mandy
12/21/2019 08:37:08 am
Praying for you and your family!
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Terre W Munk
12/21/2019 10:09:42 am
Praying for peace and comfort that only God can give you right now...
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Catie
12/22/2019 04:40:13 am
Hey girl. Your post resonates with me. I appreciate your honest and open words on your life. Keep it up. Please know you are appreciated and loved. Take care dear one. I'll be praying for you as He calls you to kind. Peace, Catie
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Dawn McKoy
12/22/2019 10:50:17 am
I’m so sorry. I prayed for you all and will continue to pray. I pray for a removal of all pain and that she knows the peace of Jesus.
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CheriM
1/1/2020 04:42:58 pm
Your designs, your writing, and your zest for life are no doubt all gifts from God. May He richly bless your grandmother as He welcomes her home. And may God bless continue to you with wonderful memories and the sure knowledge that His love connects us with those who've passed; we shall surely see them again.
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AuthorDeplorable Knitter accidentally became a knitwear designer. She loves to design hats, but you never know where this adventure leads us. Archives
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